لا أدري  تحديدا  ماذا  حدث بخصوص د. (جلجامش)؟؟؟!!!

                    An era of solitude

The real strength is. .to remain steadfast despite your internal collapses. .and to claim solidarity while your heart melts and crumbles sadness.. !!!! But if you asked someone to suggest me, someone asked you once? Have you reached a stage where you cannot describe your inner feeling? What would you answer him? Maybe you'll be silent forever? Would you cry out from your inner pain? Maybe ... all that you passed from reality, dream, or illusion that will materialize in front of you in the moment? The answer or answers are confused on your lips. Words may stutter and stray their way to your heart and mind together and get lost in a basement of time When you are going to have to delve into the depths of yourself hiding from that answer ... the answer may embarrass you ,,, maybe It hurts you, or perhaps it kills you from its cruelty? Then you choose to flee compulsively, choose a willing distance ..... you choose to infer an eternal curtain on yourself ... and draw help from yourself and from within you ,, screaming for help ... but I know that only two will understand you Just ... someone went through your condition ... and the other loved you so much? And at this sentence she screamed (sure), swinging in a swing between doubt and certainty, and with good thought he tormented her and her siblings (Another loves me very much? !!!!! I laughed ... I laughed a lot at this sentence ... until the sarcasm filled her mouth with laughter and mixed with bitterness of words and was filled Even a cynical stream of punches of painful laughter overflowed her ... all his laughter was like a ginger prick or a spear stab and laughed ,,, I laughed a lot ... But nothing matters nothing at all ... the most important thing is nothing !! Yes you or you do not wonder Na (Yaqeen) is the heroine of this story, and I have reached the certainty that I have accustomed myself to being alone with myself most of the time ... because I know that no one lasts for anyone. .I had to understand this from the beginning ,,, that the presence of someone in my life may be Something nice, but this is for some time .. only some time .. as if it is a gift-and a space that time gives me as a gift or perhaps pity on me ... He may please his heart for some time now, but not forever .. He soon returns to the predecessor of his covenant with me ... ... But I forgot to realize it and familiarize myself with it is that the absence of one of them will not affect me ... But in any case, do not worry ... I will be fine ... I will get back very soon ... closer than you imagined ... Perhaps loneliness makes me feel a psychological insecurity ... I may feel lonely in fear of being lost, but with time I learned that A false feeling .. I overcame it while I was in my loneliness .. Honestly, I could only be with others through unity !!!!! Do not be surprised that I see astonishment as your mouths crossed ... but it is the truth ... if you want to know it, listen to my story ... my story is not long and not strange. .but it is the most interesting and most exciting ... I see amazement shining in your eyes and the sparkle of desire and curiosity screaming in your chests. ..

In the beginning, my life was normal, or so it seemed ...... I did not find myself in the crowd. .I was running away from my friends or explaining reasons to stay alone for a long time. .I felt that large gatherings or even a few took me from myself, making me feel an alienation between me and My soul is lost in me, lost in the crowd of their empty words and their deaf laughter, whose mute voice hardly reaches mine until it bounces from where it came again. Often I was exhausted by the long side discussions that they were looking utterly trivial ... I might be different, or I was wrong and unappreciated for this ideal gathering and this is for its wonderful owner ... but it is myself and my self that is lost in the folds of their conversation is the one who screams for help .. who will return myself that Lose it while I'm among them? How it hurts me so much, my feeling of being unappreciated ... whether among my small family (my father, my mother, my brothers and my friends Moving away is painful, but it is a virtue from nearness without appreciation ... This is how I used to say to myself. .After a friendship that ends ... I was the one who ended it myself ... I am tired ... I am tired of them ... of their lack of appreciation ... of their thinking. .I permissible to sit with them I find it hard for myself to lift weights ... I can no longer stand it ... When he felt for a moment that my self was not being valued as it should be and as I wanted, I was going crazy and doing my right thing ... and at that time ... Let everything go to Hell ... What is important is that I search for myself I find her .. if I lose it, there is nothing worth staying in this world for me… I was thinking more of what I speak and they were bored with me for that .. I would have preferred silence .. so that they do not laugh at the time I take before answering any question? See them see me as weird ?! Maybe ... maybe it really is ...

I always needed to take for myself a space of loneliness, in which I would flee to the depths of myself and have conversations with her, blame her, praise her, blame her, laugh with her, or hold her account. .It is a space in which I repair what has been spoiled by those frivolous side conversations and discussions and superficial relationships that I feel surround me ... and I grew up with my suffering. ... friends ... acquaintances ... relatives ... even the surroundings of a happy family or that seem happy in front of others .. honestly I see them as such ... I did not see in my father and mother nothing but ghosts from the past with their outdated, sick thoughts that paralyze my thinking restricted ... I only saw in them two faded, boring, routine pictures. Their thoughts exhausted me. His repeated criticisms of me ... I did not bother with them, but they were affecting me in myself in my mind .. How many long nights I cried until I fell asleep tired of crying because of those criticisms Or likening them to me to some relatives, or rather the female relatives, who were not satisfied with them or their character and personality. .How much I used to feel injustice and oppression ... How many times I wished to shout at them saying: I am not like this .. I am not this or that .. I am myself and myself .. and by myself .. and in the end I suffer in silence or in a cry, or a silent groan. He walks in mysterious paths and leads me to the path of my room, which I memorize steps while I close eyes And my room will be the candle that shines for me in the dark ... At the end of the hall I dive into my room and my own world. .filled with many people. .always I always felt that I was stronger, honest, and even happier ... I feel that there are so many people around me ... a world not Final gives me strength and stiffness .. and I did not conceal you secretly, I should have been alone in the room, I would not allow or could not allow anyone of my loneliness to break into me .. True happiness is impossible without unity ... She alone is the one who used to provide me with strength. .it is the most sincere friend of mine. You are O loneliness Very tender, tender than the tenderness of a mother that I have always missed ... even though my mother is present and enjoys good health ... I do not know why they accuse you of this false accusation, O loneliness they call you cruel ?? !! ..By your age, you were not cruel with me, and you will not be. .You open up broad horizons for me and give me room for all hopes, even the impossible ones. .so where did you get cruelty? !!! How are you cruel? !! Are you the cruel, or their stupid brains, or their petrified minds ... Are you the cruel or their evil, their accusations and their always prying gazes? Among them, I always felt as if I was alone in this world and as if I came from another planet, and I don’t know why I was expelled from it ??

Many times I feel that I have stopped at a certain point where I cannot rest ...

As if he was freezing ... immobile ... he stopped growing ... as if in me a creature that grows for a while then grows and moves and then stands on his feet and clings to everything he finds in front of him to stand and prove his existence announcing to everyone that he is an existing being with a characteristic, a name and a life that grows and moves and that he has become Strong and able to withstand the blows of fate .. Then .. Then what ?? All things around him are silent ... the wheel of time suddenly stops ... and life stops looking at this object from afar ... looking at him while he is still not moving (Money Bose) stopped) as if suddenly paralyzed

But after all the life around him he contemplates and this creature keeps examining it with caution and apprehension as she exchanges gazes. Life! Her obscure looks of that life. .faded and colorless looks, or her colors faded and extinguished by the action of time. .and this creature inside me continues to look at life, sometimes pondering and crying out At another time, she exchanged him with vague, static, silent gazes that did not announce what was inside her ... Is it panic, calmness, silence, or freezing and stopping any storm that you hide for me, O life ...? I wonder, you look at the impression of the coming storm .. and the movement of the object is frozen and its feet are paralyzed and unable to move while continuing In exchanging gazes with sunken eyes that You dive into the depths of himself and swim in his frozen being, while he screams What do you want from me, O life? What do your sunken eyes want from her looks? I have crippled the growth inside me? After you've come so far, what do you get from frightening me? And from terrifying me? Why do you look malevolent at other times? Mostly cold mysterious? I have paralyzed my movement, and the two of us keep exchanging gazes with the other ... me and you, oh life? I am standing motionless at some point. A mysterious, gray point, my heart trembles when I reach it ... I have come a long way and made an effort, and the result stands at the same point (freezing point). Everything inside me freezes at that point ... shivers and shivers, announcing a winter of bitter thoughts and a rain of confusion and agonizing awe .. And I am steadfast, I only meditate and light the firewood of tears in the stove of dreams to warm and silence this cold whose thoughts flow through me .. and I meditate and then meditate, and upon reaching that gray point I can only contemplate the suspicious interlocking map and try to solve the puzzle of the maze drawn on your face, O life and you You contemplate me with ambiguity, serenity and defiance as I resist your response and try to reach the ignorant map of your face, which is shrouded in mystery, all this and that while I am frozen in front of the map of your eternal face at That gray point ... I do not leave it and the drums of fear are knocking deep inside, !!! That is why I chose a place that protects me from the cold of your winter, O life? The shivering and enveloping me in the mantle of its calm, calm, peaceful and subservient, far from the hustle and bustle of the deaf to my ears hears me the songs of its sweet melodies that flow like drops from a stream of water I hear its gushing pouring into my heart until I calm down and I am as a child in the arms of a nation I long for a comfortable calm sleep ... After that, they blame me. , !! What a stupid they are, but a wretch ... the wretched claws of life have erupted with their nails inside them, and they have become so You know .... I feel many times inside me that there is an earthquake ... a strong earthquake that nests for a period or for a period of time, and this drunk wanders inside my organs and digs in my guts, and this bastard remains drunk, swaying and laughing with a mocking laugh from me .. very sarcastic .. and at that time I cannot find In front of me there is a refuge from him other than to sit alone. .and alone in stillness and calmness after I rush out panting and seek protection from this immoral drunk, and then run to the farthest place, a place far beyond the eyes, and sit there where no one ... And my meditations to protect me from this orgy that is raging and frolicking inside me and shaking my being with a degree of 10 Richter and I am silently taking cover and shrinking inside myself and my tears land on The desert of my dulled self to water it with a flood of rain ..... It has passed in my life .. He wanted to uproot me from myself and the strange thing is that I surrendered to him and I left my hand for him and draws it to him in silence, calmness and subsidence, as if I were praying in his temple

, hoping for forgiveness and forgiveness from him ... He is What you call it is love () and I call it (poison), but it is a drug and deceitful to the highest degree, a delicious poison because it is dipped in drops of honey

And the farthest place .. .. they have passed through my life, passing through a bridge of longing, that they passed the passage of harmony .. and I passed unnoticed ...

When does a person wish to become a bird and act as if he were ?? !! When does a person hate the restriction of his dreaded humanity and hate the humiliation of his humanity and wish that?

If a wild animal was free in the wild fun? !! When does a person want to not be a human ?? !!! And when does he dream that he finds himself one morning after becoming a tall palm tree or a shady tree? !! See how it could be? Do you see that animals lie? See do you envy birds and do you envy flowers ?? Do you think back and sleep trees and rivers? !! Do the roses and wildflowers manage the intrigues of the thorns that insistently surround her waist, as if she wanted to get rid of them? !!! Of course, no, no, and a thousand no ... Do you see that all these people need money in order to be able to live ??! Are you thinking One of those creatures or begging him to steal one day in order to manage his food or to eat his children ?? !!! And if he did? Will he be punished by law ??? !! Do I wonder if any of these people live afraid of the words of the people, or even make him fall into that, even if it is just an obsession ??? Are they hypocritical, or are they forced to do so in order to get a position, a job, or an amount of money ??! Of course not ... you alone are only you, O human being. .you only are you shackled and bound. .the stabbed with the daggers of time and the swords of demands and ambitions ... alone You need everything that they have been dispensed with ... you alone lie .. you envy .. and envy .. insults and restraint on others .. alone and hold accountable ,, alone torment .. alone ,, as for hell and as for bliss ... But what bliss? !!! How will you get it How much will you pay ?? And for what will you lose? !! You alone ... you alone ... you carried all the burdens and all the burdens ... and you were not satisfied with that ... but rather you increased your load with loads of successive errors until you became a single entity. .Each indivisible ... and exhausted your hearing for all the obsessive And your sense of all temptations ... and who else will respond to it? ..Who other than you because of its deceptive smell, would you please? .. Aaaah, then aaah, then aah ... What made you happy, animals ... but what made you happy ... I do not congratulate you, flowers and plants ... but all beings remain ... except you .. You miserable ... Brat ... accompany the human race ... No, you tormentor ... Except, you bound prisoner ... I do not want to be like you .. I want and always wanted Reid, and I always wanted to break the base ... That damned rule, I kept my breath until I almost suffocated ... I never wanted one day in my life to be a member of this herd .. I never wanted to become a number in a chain that passes by and everyone reads it. ..

Even in my childhood, I was comfortable with odd numbers, as if they were achieving for me a kind of uniqueness and subjectivity that I sought throughout my life and defectively against others ....................

Until he appeared in my life, or rather they appeared.? Do I blame him or you? The mother of everything ... the mind and the feeling ... which is a mind or a heart? Either Ha. You are both losers in this battle? Why ? Because you both let me down.? I no longer have a place between the two of you ... My only place is between my ribs ... My only place is in the embrace of my refraction ... My refraction that everyone has passed over without even looking at me ... He is the only one that I must embrace. He is the only one to whom I owe .. Because inside me is a big world .. it is my own world .. a world in which I do not need anyone in which I am not captive to anyone ..

Many times it seems to me that you, O life, are a job that does not suit me. .and I must quit from you ... hey ... do not think that I am intending to commit suicide ... I am not that weak ... but that I am strong and stronger than what you imagine and what you all imagine ... but I I meant to quit this life my way The special thing ... of making another life for me on my own ... it's a different kind of strength ...

Another type that you did not know and are not accustomed to .. I experience life in another way. I see it alone as you did not see it and you will not see it like me .. Just leave me alone ... but he is .. He did not leave me alone .. My entire fear of him .. of him, no Other .. It is this fierce beast .. which always puts poison in honey .. It always hides its fangs under a smooth skin like a snake writhing with graceful tenderness before it bites the bite of eternal death ... It is you, the velvety feeling that seems so at first glance. All my blame is on you and my blame is directed at you ... and all of you are afraid of you, not against you !!

You, fierce cruel, I asked you to leave me alone and to be alone with my patience ... But you refuse and refuse to be arrogant and stubborn .. Are you jealous of my loneliness Do you hate my freedom? I know that you love families and seek him with all your energy .. you seek him with noble emotions and passion, staying up late at nights and the heat of warm feelings that, over time, turn into a time bomb or a mine that explodes in my arteries to kill everything or what remains in it from feeling and from any heat ... and I always Or I would say, rather, I was surrendering to you ... but at the end or shortly before the end I always felt danger coming towards me..and the honey spoiled and the traces of the poison that I doused from your cup appeared Rape, but a snatch took place between your jaws and your teeth ... until I could be completely cured of you ... Do you know why ??? Because the gray dot was shining for me from far ... from far ... and then approaching me slowly ... until its features are completely clear to me ... Underneath it, features disappear forever beneath an eternal, eternal bottom, you swallow me up moving sands, you swallow up with it all my broken dreams, which were shattered on the rock of your deception, feeling ... but that is the same flash

For the pale gray color .. I always see it at the middle of the road before I reach the end .. the end that you wanted for me .. hint that flickering sparkle that appears faded from afar and then approaches slowly pulling me tenderly to a place far away from you and carries me on his two strong wings for safety Before I fall to the bottom of the eternal pit ... always this flash of light flashes to me in the middle of the road, as if he was watching me from afar ... and waiting for what I want to do. .and before I throw myself in the circle of danger, your tender hands grab me ... then he encloses me warmly and safely. I can hear it Always from afar before I reach the finish line, his voice whispering into my ears from afar !!!! And he tells me .. go away .. not here .. not your place .. not you ... you will be another .. another as a moving inanimate object ... inanimate is breathing, eating and drinking .. but it is an inanimate object !!! It is something other than you ... No, no, I am not you .. at first I stand against him and argue with him .. he cursed and cursed him. I even expel him .. but he stubbornly refuses to leave me .. I hate him I hate kicking with both feet .... But he is stubborn and insists on staying. Then suddenly I find lights crying out to me pointing in the right direction and that I must change my direction and direction immediately, or else I will fall into a well that has no decision, and all my teachers will be lost.

Nor is broadcasting that I find myself obeying the commands of that faint flash that is slowly approaching me and finding me walking towards it without my awareness, as if I am bewitched and drawn to my heart and my feelings together .. I walk without awareness of me, but I am confident in my steps, I walk in peace of mind as if nothing has happened .. It was never ... and at the middle of the road and that gray point and between ... Then suddenly the features become clear and that gray point shines and its age becomes a green light and a traffic light crossing and crossing the road of safety ... nor the broadcast at that time that I realize that he was the guardian angel who was kicking both of his feet and rejected him as much as I could Who strengthened him ... But he refused with all confidence not to take my weak hand To a poor place to a quiet beach, where no one bothered me, no one from Kaaaan would disturb the peace of my mind ..

Autumn always looks forward to spring, eager to see it and enjoy it, perhaps this will reduce some of its fading and reduce its darkness and extinguishness , but both look at the other from afar and then soon be surprised as if he did not know what else it is as if seeing from a distance is something else .. And spring hits the autumn and vice versa and turns off Each of them is the sun of the other, each of them fears that the color of the other will overwhelm him, as the spring flaunts its roses, the flower and the clarity of its sun, and the autumn swaying with joy, but its yellowing and withering! Why not understand what distinguishes it most .. even if it is wilting and yellowing That is a symbol of coldness and freezing and stopping everything, a symbol of the absence of warmth and heat, the absence of everything that is calm and comfortable, and the announcement of the armies of fierce storms and the stormy winds with their coming crawling on the snow horses and carrying the sword of thunder and lightning in the cold winter nights which do not work with all the hot drinks because the cold shudders and screams and moans from Inside the hollow of broken bones on a ruthless winter ... and there is no wonder or wonder to show off, as the killer sometimes boasts of his cruelty, tyranny, and the cleverness of his court plans to carry out crimes And he is strong, never weakening, nor softening his resolve, nor is it stopped by mercy or compassion that takes him to be whoever was to reach his goal in the end ... And so is the autumn that boasts of its sluggishness and depression that announces the arrival of everything that is lonely and frightening and stops every move to begin the era of cruelty, dullness, stagnation and snow .. And the spring remains in its place, contemplating this wildness and this inertia with caution and apprehension, embracing the ripe flower and its bright sun, and hiding it away from the sharp claws of autumn and the nails that he tries to approach from time to time in the being of this spring to tear his delicate skin or bleed his blood scented with the fragrant scents of flowers and the sounds of the loud blues. But spring was always careful, or so it was learned .. and it memorized and absorbed the lesson well He probably suffered a lot from the brutality and dullness of this fall and from its dryness, so he was keen to hide himself in the depths of a cocoon that he made of himself and illuminate it with all the lights of life. .but it is a life that he made for himself and by himself he is its owner and owner and he is the commanding person who is the president of the republic himself by himself and for himself .. weaving A silky cocoon, but a velvety, well-crafted kingdom, blessed forever, determined and chosen by him, even if to infinity. Ends may differ and beginnings are similar. But the important thing is that I now know when to start, how to end, and to what end I stand .. when to give and when to grant .. when to be present and when She disappeared for a reason that I know alone ... I do not need justification ... and it is the lesson that life gave to me on a plate of regret and I learned Well after that, when I extend my hand to others and when I close it .. It will not be available even at the simplest times. Sorry, gentlemen, men. I will give you an amount. Only that will be fine because I have ended the era of breaks and replaced it with points .. I no longer care about your existence, O people, especially you, man, you are not my other half, but my dark half that has been scattered by obstacles, but I put an end to everything and took you out of my life without reproach, but all human beings and my responses became by my actions Because I rose above many who did not deserve my presence ... I will remain fine as long as I am far from you and from you Sir, you specifically ... I got up from you a long time ago ... asking me why ?? Because you don't deserve me? You are like a book, my sir, I no longer care about the title and forget the inside. Forget or ignore the details that have always tormented and bothered me ... I no longer make up my hopes for you, for I am the owner of my own and the lady of myself ... I did not care one day the words of others or even listen to their opinions, even if for a moment. ... and because autumn and spring are parallel lines, they do not and will not meet at one point, I will not meet with you, sir, in one day, even if your autumn looks to the ripe flowers of spring, even if you try your hands withering from the weight of yellowing The depression of your autumn is to extend to wipe the tears droplets that water spring flowers. The drops will not dry out, and the roses will never succumb ... because autumn is its age that heals the wounds of spring, and the fallen and withered tree leaves cannot touch the wounds of a dewy rose whose tears fall and water them from its water ...

It is very difficult and rare to generate a life from the womb of death. !!!

And you, people, my need for you, and after me there is a thousand condolences for me, and in my proximity to you are a thousand regrets, a thousand losses, a thousand a thousand deceptions, and then a thousand farewells ... I am among you alone, your words kill me, my guts are the coldness of your stories and the torment of your feelings .. I will tweet outside their flock perhaps My tweet does not reach you, and my tweet will not reach you, and its echoes will not reach your ears because it is a tweet with a discordant tone that is not accepted by the frost and coldness of those ears, but I will tweet outside their flock a tweet for me, I alone will reach my world that I made far from you ...

..But I no longer liked them or you anymore, but I no longer liked the same as I was .... The time for amazement had ended ... and amazement had turned its curtains on everything, but with all this I knew more love and more who lived it in all its details and more who sang it with all the hymns and the first Who composed it with all its hymns and more Who lost it !!! How could they say that he who has lost a thing does not give it, and I am the one who gave love more than he lost and missed it! That love, I am the one who feels it and the one who knows it the most, yet I did not find it one day !!! ... and an impressive result! ... you own something and do not find it ... you own and do not control or control and you do not own either this or that ... It is the far near and the far near! ... a paradox I became addicted to tormenting pain, returning it or tormenting it !!! It has become the title of my life ... one of you may say, we have never read a title that resembles yours, and we have never known griefs that resemble yours ... I will never go in the sea of love without falling, but my life will never be a book of tears .

I may be in pain until the end, but I will not break .. Perhaps I will cry from the beginning, but I will not lose ... I am between water and fire ... I may fall someday, but I will never bend.

... and those who want to lead the orchestra should turn their backs on everyone.

Written by / Manal Khalil